MIND ALTER DRUGS- A WAY TO HELL

by krishna prasad
(kasaragod city,kerala state,India)

I had been on Klonopin (3mg) and Parnate (40mg) for many years. I was originally prescribed them for depression and social anxiety. I was going to do a slow taper and I knew I should do a slow taper but the withdrawal was going to be bad anyway and I thought I would suck it up and get it over with - KNOWING it would be bad, but NOT knowing it would be like (literally) going to hell and being stuck in hell.

On my first day in rehab I was humiliated but did not think much of it. Bags searched, clothing searched, anything with alcohol taken away (even hair gel) and lots of interviews and intakes. I didn't seem that bad at first although I was a little suspicious when they immediately threw out my bottle of Klonopin. It was okay I thought because these were medical doctors and they knew my story. WRONG, for all they knew and cared I was taking 30 pills a day, they did not care. They gave me a 7 day taper of phenobarbitol and told me the parnate would have to be weaned off in 4 or 5 days. For some reason I knew it would be a little fast but I thought if I just sucked it up I would be fine in a couple of weeks.

The first couple of days I felt really drugged up but not too bad. The phenobarbitol felt like getting a little drunk, the feeling of being slightly euphoric, a little off balanced but not bad.

Then the hell began, they treated me pretty much like you would treat a piece of garbage. I absolutely felt like I was in prison. I was expected to be up at 6am, dragged myself to group meetings, AA meetings, expected to socialize no matter how I felt. I was yelled at and told I was no good and I would "be back on the streets" (I was a successful mortgage underwriter who was never on the streets but the ex-addict counselors ALL treated every single person as if they were selling crack on the streets before they came there) and after 4 days I told them I wanted to go home. I had enough TORTURE, they said NO WAY.

The doctor, talking to me like I was something between a person who sold crack to kids and a 3 year old retarded child, told me that there is no way he would let me go and that if I wanted to leave it meant I was suicidal since I could have seizures. I asked if they could just give me enough phenobarbitol so that I could get home safely and I was yelled at (YOU’RE NOT A DOCTOR...THAT IS YOUR ADDICTION TALKING...WE'RE DONE HERE).

They called my parents and told them every single bit of confidential information I had told them. They also lied and said I was "talking to the walls" and that I "had not eaten in 2 days". I became scared and hostile. I had severe agoraphobia/social phobia and could barely leave my room. I also had severe DP/DR and felt like I was in hell and in a nightmare I could not get out of.

It got worse, the doctor, after 10 days, finally wrote an order to have me committed to the psychiatric ward of a local hospital for a 72 hour hold for (and this is a complete lie) "refusing to eat for 2 days" and being "a danger to myself". The hospital gave me a small dose of Klonopin and kept me there for 3 days. The klonopin got me well enough to fly home (I had flown from California to Florida). I got home and was a complete mess.

I have the trauma of detox/rehab to get over along with the horrible and severe withdrawal I am in right now. After all I went through, I saw one of the "benzo-wise" doctors and to my shock, he told me "you know, its not an addiction if you need the drug”, wow!

So here I am, 2 months from the December 6th- December 19th 2006 hell of rehab and I had to move in with my parents in their small apartment. I was making a very good salary and had a very very good job and career. I now have nothing and I can barely leave the apartment. I have managed to go for a little jog in the past 2 days which is encouraging. The DP/DR is really bad still and the worst part, worse than the worst symptoms is NOBODY BELIEVES ME. "The drug is out of your system so you should be okay" - I hear that from everyone. I'm fighting to be rid of these horrible horrible drugs yet they are being pushed at me. I would rather die than take another mind altering drug..EVER...